PART 3 – ‘HOW I WENT FROM HIGH HEELS & PEARLS…to camo!”

“First time in tree stand”

 In Chapter One y'all heard about my first outing in the world of getting to know the woods and land in preparation for the upcoming BOW AND ARROW bear season. So, this is going to be up close and personal looking down from a tree!  I hope my reading glasses don't fall off and hit BEAR in the head! Did I mention I have a condition called Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)? That's why the photo (to the right) is so blurry, no worries, he's getting me a SPYDER harness system so if I fall out, I will just dangle and bounce off the tree. I mean this is just practice, I have two or three weeks to learn and be an expert! No problemo!!!!

I am learning to be a hunting partner, not a hunter, but going to learn what Doug loves. Apparently, my excitement to see cute, fuzzy wuzzy bears and smell crisp fall air is turning out to be quite different than my vivid imagination. I hug the bear mounts at home, talk to his two Elk and one Moose on the wall up at Camp. I guess these critters are dangerous and get spooked while alive!

 "Doug?  If I'm standing in front of moose in the road or in field, will I have to reach up to hug his neck?"

 "Deb, you'll be dead. "

 "Doug?  If I'm sitting up here in tree stand, which I'm very dizzy, and see that clearing, it's all knocked down trees, imagine wildflowers, plus, I shouldn't have worn yoga pants because I have little needles from trees stuck in my butt and legs and it hurts, but anyway, if sow mama bear comes with babies...and say she's eating, and the baby sees us and he will know I love him, soo, if baby comes up tree and sits in my lap, as long as I'm just hugging it, and it's not crying, will the mommie still eat and just keep eye on me and be cool? I mean, I'll be quiet?!?!"

"Deb, you'll be dead"

Oy vey ... all very new to me. Sooooooo ... the story of last weekend? Took Ranger through his property on his trails, which were very bumpy and holes ... I told him the Town of Columbia should do something about the condition. He said he'd look into that for me.

We get to bear site ... but had to walk ... I thought we drove right up, like valet to tree stand, but nope, can't have bears smell gas or hear us. Ok, well, wrong shoes again! Doug finally leads me to tree, was like seven miles of walking, he's facing tree, in front of me pointing up, I exclaim, "Cool, wowzers, four seats, goes all around, like a little cute condo! I can still hold your hand, but won't you whack me in head when you pull arrow back, right, or should I duck?"... "No Deb, just sit still, be as quiet as possible, remember we practiced little whispers, I won't whack you with bow", he mutters, looking straight ahead, knowing I'm teetering and toppling behind him. "Now be careful, watch where you walk because there are roots and holes and.....".    HIGHEST LOUDEST PITCHED OPERA BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM by Deb. (Who knew you could get such great echo in the middle of a forest!)

He whips around, clutching heart, in a crouched position... knowing we were under attack. I just stood there, wide-eyed, tears brimming, pointing, hysterical. "Dougie, it's a toad, he hopped on my foot!" He got high blood pressure and heart rate down and lovingly said, “Yup, it's a toad. It IS A really big toad; I'll give you that. I think you've scared every bear, deer, and moose out of woods for this season."

HOMEWORK:  TRY TO BE QUIET, DEFINITELY NO SCREAMING, PEE BEFORE GOING TO TREESTAND.